Ivan Parsley – A life in politics

This article takes a satirical look at the life and career of the high priest of Northern Irish politics, Ivan Parsley...the final chapter and verse is yet to be written

By Newton Emerson

When Ivan Parsley made his first public appearance in 1952, few could have realised the political impact he would make. It was on a damp Tuesday morning in Ballymoney that a fiery young man began preaching the message of Christian love to a handful of bemused shoppers.
"The fenians are breeding like rats, like rats!" he ministered. "They’re going to kill us all! The Jesuits are poisoning the cheese! Fear! Fear! Fear!" Suddenly, a woman approached him. "Here," she said, "aren’t you Maureen’s youngest? You always had to be the centre of attention."

Yet within months this young man would be hailed as a new messiah, believed by thousands to possess a divine insight. Some say the great Ballymoney poisoned cheddar scare of 1952 was a lot of hysteria over a little listeria, but news of the young man’s prophetic warning spread like blue-mould across a ripening Ulster. As his following grew, Parsley realised he would have to establish his own Church if he was to keep his message true to the gospels. But how? Praying for guidance he heard a voice inside his head, louder than usual, saying "Send $50 to the Scarlett O’Hara Discount Bible College, PO Box 666, Kentucky". Within 28 days Ivan Parsley became the Reverend Ivan Parsley, and the First Church of Parsley met in a Nissan hut outside Ahoghill in 1956. There were only ten people in the original congregation but they were all wearing nice hats, as Christ commanded. It was an auspicious beginning.

Soon Parsley’s swelling congregations demanded political representation. Forsaking precious Bible-study time to serve his country, Parsley developed a sophisticated three-step plan for the political development of Northern Ireland:
Step 1 - Predict trouble.
Step 2 - Cause trouble.
Step 3 - Say "I told you so".
So successful was this strategy that, by 1969 The Parsley Party posed the most serious threat to the Ulster Unionist Party after the Ulster Unionist Party itself.

Shortly after the Civil Rights movement began its violent campaign of terror, Parsley found himself imprisoned on trumped-up blasphemy charges. Unsure of his political future, he began writing. On his release, three days later, he had completed 25 books and 4,189 gospel leaflets, and the inscription "Written from the prison cell" became a rallying cry for oppressed Christians throughout County Antrim.
Parsley made several attempts to address the anarchy of The Troubles. After a disappointing start with Parsley’s Orange Order he had more success with The Third Farce, a volunteer army of farmers sworn to uphold British law by breaking it when instructed. The Third Farce is currently believed to be on ceasefire.

The Good Friday Agreement marked the high point of Parsley’s career, as his party captured the public mood across Northern Ireland by maintaining an obvious double standard. Following the 2003 Stormont elections (held in 2005) the Parsley Party joined Sinn Fein to form the historic coalition government of 2005-2016 under First Minister Sir Ronnie Flanagan, which consolidated Northern Ireland’s position within the United European Union. The Reverend Parsley is buried in St Anne’s Cathedral beside Sir Gerry Adams, under the inscription: "We shall never see their like again. Amen."

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